Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You Might Also Like
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child