A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”