How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Teach your children to beatbox
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.