I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.