To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Sell your car
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.