Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I hope Alan is OK
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Guy who likes music
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR