I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.