What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.