Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
scared to check what name she chose
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.