5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Finally a use for spoilers…
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.