Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?