Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
this came to me in a vision
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan