air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
the official breakfast of 2021
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees