Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
i meant to share this earlier
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is