It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Extremely relatable.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.