Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
This one’s “Alex”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident