me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.