My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You Might Also Like
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Yup
She was REALLY feeling it.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I did not eat the cake…
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Weighing up my bread heating options