watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.