Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.