I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.