Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that