Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.