when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.