Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My background check bounced.