i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”