My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I have two kinds of followers
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog