and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
so i’m at the stock market right
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”