I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice