What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
You Might Also Like
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court