Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The photographer’s assistant
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.