Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
That’s easy for you to say
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.