Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.