Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison