I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close