Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds