“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
You Might Also Like
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
when the buffet is more honest than your date
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
gentlemen, hear me out
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.