[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars