Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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LMAO.
my dog when i have a friend over
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.