Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The first one, obviously
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.