[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things