This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I think the cat got the dog high.