Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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How I’d get arrested…
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car