Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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live long and prosper!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”