I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
How software testing works
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My safe word is Worcestershire
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment