I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Love it! 👍😂
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.