When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
is this meant to deter me
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.