My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
You Might Also Like
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.