ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”