The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
boat question
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.